Building in the margins of reality

I have an itch to scratch. It’s the same itch that every creator and problem solver starts scratching upon facing mundane and boring tasks for days on end. For the likes of us, the novelty and challenge of unique and creative problems feed our dopamine receptors. We live for those highs — we are the intellectual athletes. For some, just the act of problem-solving and building something is enough. For others, it is the knowledge that what they built will go on to make an impact on thousands and millions of lives. Usually, that’s enough — not for me. You see, my itch is different. I do enjoy the process and love what I do at work, but that’s not enough; what I’m craving is to give life to my visions, and solve my problems.

For one reason or another, I’ve been putting off my dreams long enough. First it was the continuity of a paycheck to support my family’s financial hardship, then it was the mortgage, and now it is my children’s education. This is not just a phase or some version of a midlife crisis. This has been with me since 2003–04. I have been waiting for the right time in my life when I can try my luck at entrepreneurship — seek my American Dream.

It’s been a few years since I realized that I will never have an ideal time to do what I want to do. Somehow I also doubt whether it was the right time I was waiting for, or whether I was afraid to find out whether I have what it takes in me to give life to my own ideas. Honestly, I cannot tell for sure.

Since I am in the mood for self-loathing today, I will add one more thing to the list: I started a lot of things and abandoned them when things got tough. Usually, it was my guilt that I was being selfish and taking time away from my wife and kids and chasing a dream (at least I told myself so). This lasts until another new idea takes root in my mind, gets me all excited, and I forget all about the previous ideas I had in flux. Here too, I believe, is my weakness: not sticking to ideas when things get tough.

Everyone likes to work on greenfield projects. When things get convoluted, that’s when commitment is tested. Naturally, as things evolve, they become complex and less than ideal. It’s not a greenfield project anymore. I have to work with previous decisions I made and operate within those constraints. If I can’t do that, I can’t be a creator, let alone an entrepreneur. In other words, there are no do-overs.

Today, I am a 45-year-old widowed father of two teenagers. I am not getting any younger. With the knowledge of my past mistakes and awareness of my own mortality, I don’t want to delay my dreams anymore. Finding the time that doesn’t exist to work on my American Dream along with my job and parenting is going to be like seeking water in a desert. I don’t have the heart to fail at parenting or the courage to quit my job. But I have to find ways to make progress on my dreams alongside my day job and parenting.

And to do that, I have to be ruthlessly honest with myself: Do I want to chase my dreams? If so, do it now. I have to be hungry enough to chase my dreams. Even one commit a month is far better than no commit at all. When I do make progress, it has to be on the same project — not some other idea that took root in my head last week. It’s going to be tough, very tough. BUT IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

It is with these thoughts and with these spirits I’m kicking-off “Project Sidekick” today. This site, arkive.blog, is an outlet where I will blog about Project Sidekick and how my life evolves with it. It is time to find out whether I’m an intellectual athlete that I think I am or just another Joe who buys a gym membership in January and forgets all about it by mid-March. Seeing this through will bring me immense joy. If not, at least I tried and that should be enough. I have to make my peace with it.

July 9, 2026 — West Windsor, NJ